False Assumptions of Singleness
“Why are you still single? You don’t want to get married?”
I wanted to talk about three false assumptions we can have about singles and singlessness, along with unhelpful implications of these beliefs.
Assumption One:
One false assumption is that perhaps single people don’t use their time wisely. That because we are not married, we are more immature and therefore goof off more throughout the day.
I was living with a group of single men who were younger than me while going through seminary a couple years ago and I had a former elder tell me that I needed to stop playing video games every day, grow up, and find a career. Unbeknownst to him, I was working two jobs, discipling and counseling men at my church, all while getting a masters in counseling. That remark left me feeling crushed and discouraged that despite all my hard work I was still not living up to the expectations of other men because of my singleness.
Now, can single people use their time unwisely? Absolutely. But I’ve met married men who prefer to play video games and watch netflix instead of engaging with their family. It’s unfair to assume that since you are single you don’t know how to use your time and you need to grow up.
With being single, I think singles can have more flexibility to spend time with people, which is a blessing. But we also don’t have a spouse to help us with other things. Such as cooking, buying groceries, cleaning, running errands, going to the doctor, taking care of yourself when you get sick with the flu, hosting people for meals. These things we are dependent upon ourselves to do and I think we can often wish we had a helper to come alongside us to do those things with. So there are many responsibilities that singles have that many spouses may not have to worry about as much since they have a partner who always takes care of that.
With the assumption that we have more time comes the reality that singles can feel guilt that they need to use their all their spare time for the church. We can feel guilty that not all our extra time is spent serving people, volunteering for every event at church, discipling younger people, and holding Bible studies. I think singles are expected to do more ministry at the church, and this can also lead to burnout. Since they don’t have anyone to tell them that they are overextending themselves, like a spouse, it’s easy to exhaust ourselves.
We also don’t have a spouse we can talk to everyone about our fears, frustrations, worries, discroaugments, and doubts. Therefore, this could lead to higher levels of anxiety, loneliness, exhaustion than couples. As singles, we can often hear the message “Don’t waste your singleness” so we need to make sure that this consists of saying yes to everything and so we find ourselves super busy and exhausted.
Assumption 2:
Another assumption is that life is easier for us. But I know many singles who greatly fear the idea of growing old alone and who will take care of them in their old age. I would want to just acknowledge and empathize with that person that their fears and worries are legitimate and life is difficult. It’s hard, as one grows older to not worry about the future and what will come.
One thing I want to help clients do is lament over the life they had hoped for. To allow people to grieve over those things. And then slowly move them towards the story God is currently writing for them in their difficulties. This isn’t necessarily the life you expected to live, but it’s the one God has given you so how do we grow in trusting him with the future?
Another thing is wanting to help people push into their church community. As a single person you will have to work harder to find those close friends you can share life with but the Lord has created a family in the church. Those friendships may come and go which is hard for the single person, but in all seasons press into God. He is the shadow at your right had, we will never be abandoned by God and he is faithful to finish his work in you. Jesus calls those around him his mother, brother and sisters and we are called to do the same. Don’t be ashamed to reach out and ask for help. Seek out your pastors or deacons and if there are financial constraints, needs around the house, especially as an older person, don’t hesitate to ask for help.
Assumption Three:
Fulfillment in Marriage and not Singleness:
We need to be careful to not emphasize that unless you get married that you will not truly be fulfilled, whole or happy. You will not truly find the happiness and contentment you are looking for outside of marriage.
Thoughts to Think About:
There is a lack of emphasis of enjoying life now. How do we honor singles and give show them how to enjoy their lives in the midst of their singleness?
Honoring single people. Honoring the choice to stay single and the life you are living instead of seeking to change it.
Stop implying that singleness is a waiting period and you just need to figure your life out and get it together. The assumption is that if you are single you are doigg something wrong and you just need to fix yourself and then life will go exactly how you dreamt it would. The guilt falls on the single person for messing up somehow. This shouldn’t be.
Realize that single and married will have the same praise from God. “Well done good and faithful servant.” “This is my beloved son or daughter in whom I am well pleased.” Whether I was single or married will not matter to God. I am praised as a married person and I am praised as a single person. God’s love for me does not shift and grow from singleness to marriage. God won’t praise me because I have a wife, two kids, a dog and a house with a picket fence. He praises me because he delights in making me and calling me home to enjoy him forever.
Perhaps avoid these questions: “Do you even want to get married?” “Why aren’t you dating anyone?” “Why haven't you asked so and so out on a date?” “You're so great, why are you still single?” (aka, what did you do to get such a sucky life?) These questions can cause the single person to think that their singleness is something to be ashamed of and fixed and therefore can create a sense of shame and loneliness in their lives. There’s a time and place to ask these, make sure these words are fitting and well spoken with love and grace and not with ignorance.
